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Post by Sweet Eet on Nov 21, 2007 19:59:18 GMT -5
Q: What do you get when you cross a turtle with a porcupine?
A: You get a slowpoke.
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Post by Kei-Lin on Nov 22, 2007 0:20:18 GMT -5
How do you catch a unique rabbit?
Unique up on it.
How do you catch a tame rabbit?
Tame way. Unique up on it.
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Post by Robocop on Nov 22, 2007 14:54:22 GMT -5
A rope walks into the bar and orders a soft drink. "Are you a rope?", the waiter asks. "Yes", the rope says. "Sorry, we don't serve ropes here", the waiter said. The rope walks outside, ties itself in a knot, shreds the ends, and walks back into the bar and orders a soft drink. "Are you a rope?", the waiter asks. "No, I'm a frayed knot"
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Post by Sweet Eet on Nov 22, 2007 16:38:53 GMT -5
My son regaled me with stories about how they do things in the modern airforce. Being an old airforce man myself, I scoffed at their complicated methods. "That's not the way we did it when I was in the service, " I said. "Yeah," he shot back. "But when you were in, there were only two pilots, Wilbur and Orville."
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Post by Robocop on Dec 1, 2007 0:18:52 GMT -5
The silent fart An elderly couple was attending church services, about halfway through she leans over and says to her husband, " I just let out a silent fart what do you think I should do?" He replies " Put a new battery in your hearing aid." This is Tractor's favorite hiding place:
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Post by Kei-Lin on Dec 1, 2007 0:29:54 GMT -5
LOL Tractor is cute. ---
The population of this country is 237 million.
104 million are retired.
That leaves 133 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work.
Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work.
2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million work.
Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.
That leaves just two people to do the work.
You and me.
And you're sitting at your computer reading jokes...
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Post by Sweet Eet on Dec 1, 2007 21:01:24 GMT -5
After a highschool basketball game, the coach spotted a cellphone lying on the floor. "Here," he said to the ref, "I think this is yours."
"What makes you think it's MY phone?" asked the ref.
"Easy," the coach said. "It says you have 10 missed calls."
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Post by Kei-Lin on Jan 9, 2008 20:22:35 GMT -5
Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
Because if they flew over the bay, they'd be bagels...
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Post by Sweet Eet on Jan 11, 2008 17:06:15 GMT -5
A man goes in to see the doctor.
He says "Doc, you gotta check my leg. Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!"
The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man's thigh only to hear "Gimme 20 bucks, I really need 20 bucks."
"I've never seen or heard anything like this before, how long has this been going on." The doctor asked.
"That's nothing Doc. Put your ear to my knee."
The doctor put his ear to the man's knee and heard it say "Man, I really need 10 dollars, just lend me 10 bucks!!"
"Sir, I really don't know what to tell you. I've never seen anything like this." The doctor was dumbfounded.
"Wait Doc. That's not it. There's more, just put your ear up to my ankle." The man urged him.
The doctor did as the man said and was blown away to hear his ankle plead, "Please, I just need 5 dollars. Lend me 5 bucks, please, if you will."
"I have no idea what to tell you," the doctor said. "There's nothing in about it in my books!" he said as he frantically searched all his medical reference books.
"I can make a well educated guess though. Based on life and all my previous experience I can tell you that your leg seems to be broke in three places."
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Post by Megatron on Jan 11, 2008 21:53:45 GMT -5
What is the correct term for Kangaroo jerky stored in a container that once held eggs?
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Post by Sweet Eet on Jan 12, 2008 13:34:56 GMT -5
It's not commonly known, but the French painter, Van Gogh, had oodles of relatives. Here, to name just a few, are: His obnoxious brother, Please Gogh. His dizzy aunt, Verti Gogh.
The brother who ate prunes, Gotta Gogh.
The brother who worked at a convenience store, Stop n' Gogh.
The grandfather from Yugoslavia, U Gogh.
The brother who bleached his clothes white, Hue Gogh.
The cousin from Illinois, Chicah Gogh.
His magician uncle, Wherediddy Gogh.
His Mexican cousin, Amee Gogh.
The Mexican cousin's American half brother, Grin Gogh.
The nephew who drove a stage coach, Wellsfar Gogh.
The constipated uncle, Kant Gogh.
The ballroom dancing aunt, Tan Gogh.
The bird lover uncle, Flamin Gogh.
His nephew psychoanalyst, E Gogh.
The fruit loving cousin, Man Gogh.
An aunt who taught positive thinking, Wayto Gogh.
The little bouncy nephew, Poe Gogh.
A sister who loved disco, Go Gogh.
His Italian uncle, Day Gogh.
And his niece who travels the country in a motorhome, Winnie Bay Gogh.
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Post by Megatron on Jan 13, 2008 2:09:30 GMT -5
THE DUCK AND THE LAWYER
A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Wairarapa. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it." The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here." The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in New Zealand and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own." The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in North Wairarapa. We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule.'" The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?" The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up." The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees! His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie. The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and remaining strength and very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn." (I love this part) The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."
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Post by ExoticHunter on Apr 7, 2008 13:21:10 GMT -5
An atheist was walking through the woods. 'What majestic trees'! 'What powerful rivers'! 'What beautiful animals'! He said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him.
He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer. He tripped & fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him.
At that instant the Atheist cried out, 'Oh my God!'
Time Stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. 'You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident.' 'Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer'? The atheist looked directly into the light, 'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian'?
'Very Well,' said the voice. The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:
'Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen.'
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Post by Robocop on Apr 15, 2008 11:36:20 GMT -5
LOL!!!!
What do you get if you give Kei-Lin a bunch of cake ingredients? You get a chemical experiment. He can't cook anything except chicken.
LOLOO!!!!!! Joking, Kei-Lin, don't worry about it
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Post by Megatron on Apr 15, 2008 16:20:25 GMT -5
[Staff request: please post jokes, only, in this thread; make comments in Make Random Posts or PM the user]
A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph's Hospital. She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?" The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number?" The grandmother in her weak tremulous voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302." The operator replied, "Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse." After a few minutes the operator returned to the phone and said, "Good news Her nurse has told me that Norma is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine. Her blood work just came back as normal and her Physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged Tuesday." The grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you for the good news." The operator replied, "You're more than welcome, Is Norma your daughter?" The Grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in 302, No one tells me crap."
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