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Post by Sweet Eet on Apr 15, 2008 23:01:59 GMT -5
A blonde was on vacation and driving through Darwin. She desperately wanted to take home a pair of genuine crocodile shoes but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the 'no haggle on prices' attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, 'Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own crocodile, so I can get a pair of shoes for free'.
The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile, 'Little lady, just go and give it a try!'
The blonde headed out toward the river, determined to catch a crocodile! Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he pulls over to the side of the bank where he spots the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.
Just then, he spots a huge 9 foot croc swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning speed, she takes aim, kills the creature and hauls it onto the slimy banks of the river. Lying nearby were 7 more of the dead creatures, all laying on their backs.
The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement. The blonde struggled and flipped the Croc onto its back. Rolling her eyes heavenward and screaming in great frustration, she shouts out...
'crap, crap, crap, THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!'
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Post by ExoticHunter on Apr 15, 2008 23:09:23 GMT -5
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Post by Sweet Eet on Apr 18, 2008 16:57:00 GMT -5
A man went into a gas station today and asked the clerk for $5 worth of gas... The clerk farted and gave him a receipt
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Post by ExoticHunter on Apr 22, 2008 9:39:24 GMT -5
A man owned a small farm in the south west of NSW (Riverena, Australia)
The Department of Consumer & Employment Protection heard that he was not paying proper wages to his employees and sent an agent down to interview him.
"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.
"Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $400 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $450 per week plus free room and board. Then there's the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."
"That's the guy I want to talk to --- the half-wit," said the agent.
"That would be me," replied the farmer.
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Post by Sweet Eet on Jun 8, 2008 17:12:32 GMT -5
WHITE LIE CAKE Have you ever told a white lie? You are going to love this, especially those who bake for church events. Alice Grayson was to bake a cake for the Baptist Church Ladies' Group in Tuscaloosa, but forgot to do it until the last minute. She remembered the morning of the bake sale and after rummaging through cabinets, found an angel food cake mix and quickly made it while drying her hair, dressing, and helping her son pack for Scout camp. When Alice took the cake from the oven, the center had dropped flat and the cake was horribly disfigured. She thought, "Oh dear, there is not time to bake another cake." This cake was important to Alice because she did so want to fit in at her new church and in her new community of friends. So, being inventive, she looked around the house for something to build up the center of the cake. Alice found it in the bathroom - a roll of toilet paper. She plunked it in and covered it with icing. Not only did the finished product look beautiful, it looked perfect. Before she left the house to drop the cake by the church and head for work, Alice woke her daughter Amanda and gave her some money and specific instructions to be at the bake sale the moment it opened at 9:30 and to buy the cake and bring it home. When Amanda arrived at the sale, she found the attractive, perfect cake had already been sold. She grabbed her cell phone and called her mom. Alice was horrified - she was beside herself. Everyone would know! What would they think? She would be ostracized, talked about, and ridiculed! All night, Alice lay awake in bed thinking about people pointing fingers at her and talking about her behind her back. The next day, Alice promised herself she would try not to think about the cake and would attend the fancy luncheon and bridal shower at the home of a fellow church member and just try to have a good time. Alice did not want to attend because the hostess was a snob who more than once had looked down her nose at Alice because she was a single parent and not from the founding families of Tuscaloosa. But, having already RSVP'd, she couldn't think of a believable excuse to stay home. The meal was elegant, the company was definitely upper crust old South and, to Alice's horror, the cake in question was presented for dessert! Alice felt the blood drain from her body when she saw the cake! She started out of her chair to tell the hostess all about it, but before she could get to her feet, the Mayor's wife said, "What a beautiful cake!" Alice still stunned, sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess (who was a prominent church member) say, "Thank you, I baked it myself." Alice smiled and thought to herself, "God is good."
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Post by ExoticHunter on Jun 16, 2008 19:12:01 GMT -5
The Salvation Army realised that it had never received a donation from Adelaide's most successful lawyer. So a Salvation Army volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish city office. The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a cent to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the Salvation Army ?' The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, 'Firstly, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?' Embarrassed, the Salvation Army rep mumbles, 'Uh... no, I didn't know that.' 'Secondly,' says the lawyer, 'my brother, a disabled Vietnam veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and their six children.' The stricken Salvation Army rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.
'Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?' The humiliated Salvation Army rep, completely beaten, says, 'I'm so sorry, I had no idea.' And the lawyer says, 'So...if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?
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Post by Sweet Eet on Jun 25, 2008 10:25:05 GMT -5
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
OPEC sells oil for $136.00 per barrel.
OPEC nations buy U.S. grain at $7.00 per bushel.
Solution: Sell grain for $136.00 per bushel.
Can't buy it? Tough! Eat your oil!
Ought to go well with a nice thick grilled fillet of camel rump!!!
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Post by ExoticHunter on Jun 27, 2008 7:05:43 GMT -5
I was having trouble with my Plasma. So I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over.
Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong? He replied, "It was an ID ten T error." I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again." Eric grinned.... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?" "No," I replied.
"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."
So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T I used to like Eric.............
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Post by Sweet Eet on Aug 25, 2008 12:47:14 GMT -5
A Department of Water Representative stopped at a Canberra farm and talked with an old farmer. He told the farmer, 'I need to inspect your farm for your water allocation.' The old farmer said, 'OK, but don't go in that field over there.' The water representative said, 'Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me. See this card? THIS CARD MEANS I AM ALLOWED TO GO WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land. No questions asked or answered. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?' The old farmer nodded politely and went about his farm chores. Later, the old farmer heard loud screams and saw the water rep running for the fence and close behind was the farmer's huge-horned prize bull. The bull was gaining on the water rep with every step. The rep was clearly terrified, so the old farmer immediately threw down his tools, ran to the fence and shouted out.......... 'Your card! Your card! Show him your Bloody card!'
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Post by ExoticHunter on Sept 5, 2008 3:42:42 GMT -5
A beautiful fairy appeared one day to a destitute refugee claimant outside the Adelaide immigration offices.
'My good man,' the fairy said, 'I've been told to grant you three wishes, since you just arrived in Australia with your wife and three children.'
The man told the fairy. 'Well, where I come from we don't have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them.' The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and -- PING ! -- he had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth! 'What else?' asked the fairy, 'two more to go.'
The refugee claimant now got bolder. 'I need a big house with a three car garage in Unley with eight bedrooms for my family and the rest of my refugee relatives who still live in my country. I want to bring them all over here..
' PING ! - In the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three car garage, a long driveway, a walkout patio with a BBQ in an upscale neighbourhood.
'One more wish', said the fairy, waving her wand. 'Yes, one more wish.
I want to be like an Australian with Australian clothes instead of manjams, and a baseball cap instead of this turban.
And I want to have white skin like Australians.
' PING ! - The man was transformed, wearing worn out jeans, a Crows T-shirt and a Billabong baseball cap. He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon.
'What happened to my new teeth?' he wailed. 'Where is my new house?'
THIS IS GOOD .......
The fairy said 'Tough luck, privates-head, Now that you are an Ozzie, you have to fend for yourself.' And she disappeared!
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Post by Sweet Eet on Oct 7, 2008 0:07:23 GMT -5
The Lizard
Just after dinner one night my son came running to tell me there was something wrong with one of the two lizards he has in his room. 'He's just lying there looking sick. Can you help?'
I put my best lizard-healer statement on my face and followed him upstairs into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on its back looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.
'Honey' I called, 'Come look at the lizard!'
'Oh my gosh,' my wife diagnosed after a minute. 'She's having babies.'
'What?' my son demanded. 'But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!'
I was equally outraged. 'How can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce,' I accused my wife.
'Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage,' she inquired.
'No, but you were supposed to get two boys!' I reminded her.
'Yeah, Bert and Ernie!' my son agreed.
By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged deciding to make the best of it
'Kids this is going to be a wondrous experience,' I announced. 'We're about to witness the miracle of birth.'
'Oh gross!' they shrieked.
We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. 'We don't appear to be making much progress,' I noted.
'It's a breach,' my wife whispered, horrified !
'Do something dad,' my son urged.
'Okay, okay.' I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. ... It disappeared. I tried several times more with the same results.
'Should I call 911?' my eldest daughter wanted to know. 'Maybe they could talk you through the trauma.' Let's get Ernie to the vet,' I said grimly.
The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass
'What do you think, Doc, a C-section?' I suggested scientifically.
'Oh, very interesting, ' he murmured. 'Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment.'
I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
'Is Ernie going to be okay?' my wife asked,
'Oh perfectly,' the vet assured us. 'This lizard is not in labor, in fact that isn't EVER going to happen...Ernie is a boy. You see Ernie is a young male species, they um.....um... . masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back.' He blushed, glancing at my wife. 'Well you know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron.'
We were silent absorbing this!!!!
'So, Ernie's just....just excited,' my wife offered.
'Exactly,' the vet replied, relieved that we understood.
More silence, then my cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.
'What's so funny?' I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.
Tears were now running down her face. Laughing!! 'It's just...that. ..I'm picturing you pulling on it's... ....it's.... teeny weeney little...' she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.
'That's enough,' I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car.
'I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, dad,' he told me.
'Oh you have NO idea,' my wife agreed collapsing with laughter.
2 lizards $140... 1 cage $50..... Trip to the vet $60 Memory of my husband pulling on a Lizard's winkie.....Priceless.
Moral of the story - finish biology class - Lizards lay eggs.
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Post by ExoticHunter on Oct 20, 2008 8:22:52 GMT -5
1 * Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue
2 * Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
3 * Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.
4 * Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their Maker.
5 * If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
6 * If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
7 * It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
8 * Never buy a car you can't push.
9 * Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won't have a leg to stand on.
10 * Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
11 * Since it's the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late.
12 * The second mouse gets the cheese.
13 * When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
14 * Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.
15 * You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.
16 * Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
17 * We could learn a lot from crayons. Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull. Some have weird names and all are different colors, but they all have to live in the same box.
18 * A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour. * * * * Have an awesome day and know that someone has thought about you today ! ! !
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Post by Sweet Eet on Oct 20, 2008 8:28:43 GMT -5
Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune. One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man", he said to her, 'but in just a few years, my father will die and I'll inherit 20 million dollars.'
Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later became his stepmother. Women are so much better at estate planning than men...
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Post by ExoticHunter on Nov 7, 2008 11:02:43 GMT -5
Humour for Lexophiles :
(LOVERS OF WORDS)
1. I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
2. Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
3. Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
4. To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
5. The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
6. A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
7. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A
8. The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it!
9. The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.
10. The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
11 . A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
12. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is just two-tired.
13. A will is a dead giveaway.
14. A backward poet writes inverse.
15. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
16. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
17. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France , resulted in linoleum blownapart.
18. He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
19. A calendar's days are numbered.
20. A boiled egg is hard to beat.
21. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine ..
22. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
23. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
24. Acupuncture: a jab well done
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Post by Kei-Lin on Jan 9, 2009 20:15:56 GMT -5
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